Cheaters DO Win!

When we were children, our parents and teachers told us that “cheaters never win”. Well that’s a damn lie, because apparently cheaters DO win. Everyone has either cheated, been cheated on, or knows someone who has. Us ‘regular’ folks deal with this practically on a daily basis but lately there have been several high profile cheaters in the news. Among the politicians, we have an athlete sprinkled in the bunch.

CHEATER	LOSS
Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York	Lost his governorship, BUT his wife stood by him and he is an independently wealthy man.
Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina	Wife said that he regained her trust and that they would save their marriage.
John Edwards, Presidential candidate	His wife has forgiven him and taken him back; they are working on their marriage.
Steve McNair, Quarterback	Lost his life but was still hailed as a great man and great football player at his memorial service.

Now obviously, McNair suffered the greatest possible loss, his life. I don’t want to discount the fact that McNair was murdered and arguably, no one deserves that fate for a transgression such as infidelity. But he is no longer with us and is not suffering, however is family is left to suffer.

The commonality between these cheaters is not simply that they are public figures who cheat, but that they all leave in their wake humiliated wives and families. Their wives have to deal with the shame and embarrassment often felt by the victims of illicit affairs and their children inherit tainted legacies.

Today Oprah Winfrey interviewed the wife of former Virginia Senator John Edwards. It was a painful interview to watch. Although the story broke back in the middle of 2008, Elizabeth Edwards was still stuttering as she answered very personal questions about her husband’s affair and it’s affect on her and her family. You could tell that she was still having trouble even verbalizing the situation. She seemed to talk more freely about her terminal cancer prognosis than about the affair that her husband had. It was apparent that although she’s written a book about making the best of what she has right now, she is still having difficulty speaking about her husband’s indiscretions.

We’ve been hearing these stories about cheaters and the blaring common denominator in all of them is that the cheaters come out on top- even after they are caught. Other than the public humiliation, there are no substantial consequences for the cheater such as losing the one thing that they all (except for McNair, because he can’t comment) claim is the most important thing to them- their wives and their families.

The fact that there are no consequences is as good as condoning cheating. The sample of high profile cheaters that actually got caught and exposed in the media is probably a small fraction of the folks that actually cheat and do not get caught.

The sloppiest cheater of them all, McNair, probably did his wife a favor. McNair’s wife actually comes out to some degree, ahead of the game. She is free of a cheating man and she and her children probably inherit his entire estate while Edward’s wife is stuck with the cheater and as she battles cancer, and will likely have to share her family’s income with his mistress and their suspected illegitimate child produced from his affair. Edward’s wife admitted that since his exposure, he has continued to lie about seeing the “other woman” and she couldn’t even bring herself to discuss the possibility that a child was involved. I hope that she is not surprised that he is STILL a liar, because he knows that there will not be any consequences for this crime against his family. After being exposed he lost nothing, so I guess cheaters do win.

Know Your Role

The other day, I was talking to a male friend of mine, who happens to be married, about why marriages don’t seem to last these days. I told him that I think that marriages don’t seem to last because people do not know their roles.

I believe that the man is the leader of the family. He is the President, the CEO, and Managing Partner. Now, the caveat to that statement is that he must be a true leader with integrity and having the best interests of the family in mind at all times. On the same token, I believe that the woman is the Vice President, First Lady and second in command. Should the husband not be able to perform his duties at any time, the wife should be able to step in at a moment’s notice. I know that some people might think that this all sounds old fashioned, and really, it is. But old fashioned used to work and the status quo doesn’t seem to.

Whoever made up that ‘Superwoman’ nonsense was just wrong for that. And we bought into it! We bought into living in mini mansions and driving expensive cars, taking exotic vacations, and financing our whims. We bought into living beyond our means and needing two incomes. As a result, we lost sight of our roles and what is really important. We work to be able to pay for day care and be away from our children and families the entire day just so that we can work some more.

Men should work to support the family financially and women should take care of the home. In order for my theory to work, the husband must be able to support the entire family on his own. If a woman is performing her wifely duties, the husband’s life is made that much easier. She should be his cheerleader and biggest supporter. All he has to do is focus on earning a living and being awesome at whatever he does. The children should always be clean, happy, and healthy. The home should always be spotless, clothes clean, meals freshly prepared and the sex always hot.

If a woman is working forty plus hours a week – how is she supposed to perform her wifely duties well and live a healthy and happy life? How can a woman be expected to work a full time job and then come home and take care of the kids, cook, and then give her husband phenomenal sex- all of which amount to another full time job? Yeah, good luck with that. It’s the law of triple constraints- pick 2 because 1 is going to suffer.

For men who don’t know their role:

Don’t expect your wife to look like a celebrity sex symbol.

Don’t compare your wife to Beyonce- the “hottest chick in the game” if you are not the biggest baller in the game. It is Beyonce’s job to have a banging body and to look the way she looks. If you are not making enough money so that your wife can stay home and work out all day with a personal trainer and have a salon in the house and a make-up artist on call, then you should not expect her to look like Beyonce. Note: if you cannot provide those things, then a ‘Beyonce’ will not have you anyway.

Don’t expect porno level sex from your wife.

If you are not making enough money so that your wife can stay home, do cardio and pump a little iron between naps, then do not expect marathon, nasty, Heather Hunter type sex. After working for 9 plus hours and then commuting for 2 plus hours a day, nobody feels like performing sexual acrobatics with or for you.

Don’t expect seven course gourmet meals.

If you are not making enough money so that your wife can stay home and cook all day- don’t expect dinner to be sitting on the table with steam coming up from the mash potatoes and iced cold sweet tea in the glass when you walk through the door tired and hungry. She will be tired and hungry too.

Don’t expect a clean house.

If you are not making enough money so that your wife can stay home and clean all day or supervise a housekeeper, then you cannot expect to come home to a clean house. What you should expect to see is her panties on top of your drawers on the floor where you stepped out of them the night before. She is just as tired as you are. And don’t be annoyed and argue that because she is a woman, she should not be messy. She’s performing the role of man (working a full time job) and should have the same privileges.

For women who don’t know their role:

Don’t expect your husband to make baller type money.

Don’t compare your husband to Jay Z if you are not the hottest chick in the game. Keep your nails done and your wig right, and your body tight. If you are not keeping his life simple and his stress level as low as possible, he can’t do his best to support the family. Note: If you are not taking care of yourself, then a ‘Jay Z ‘ will not have you anyway.

Don’t expect porno level sex from your husband.

If you are not holding it down at home and keeping his stress level down, don’t expect him to feel like breaking you off after a long hard day at work. After working for 9 plus hours and commuting for 2 plus hours, nobody is going to feel like turning you out.

Don’t expect romantic dinners in five star restaurants.

If you are not fixing great meals on a regular basis, he has not motivation to surprise you with a nice dinner out. He’s too tired from working all day and then coming home to wash a couple of loads of clothes so that he’ll have clean drawers to wear to work the next day.

Don’t expect a clean house.

Expect to see him step out of his clothes and leave them where they lay. He’s tired from working and he’s a man that is not being taken care of.

Marriage is a partnership and a series of tradeoffs. I think that if people
define and agree on their roles and responsibilities it might be easier to stick
it out through the tough times.

Michael Jackson- The King Of Pop

When I woke up this morning, about 2 hours late, I was exhausted. I had this sad, drained feeling I’ve had the morning after a loved one has passed away. Yes, Michael was a loved one. Yesterday, when I heard that Michael Jackson had died, I went through a series of emotions and even became teary eyed. I was in the library and a black woman walked up to take her place on line. She was crying and frantically dialing her cell phone. We made eye contact and she blurted out “Michael Jackson just died!”

I called my mother right away and asked her to tell me it wasn’t so. I asked her to tell me that Michael Jackson is not dead. I called my Mom in Florida for two reasons. One reason is because my parents are retired and keep the television locked on all of the cable news channels all day. Second, because that’s who I call when something important happens to me. At the time, I couldn’t really identify what I was feeling or why I was so affected. The feelings were familiar though.

Michael Jackson was like that brother or cousin, that did time, or lived an ‘alternative’ lifestyle, or turned his back on the family but when they die, hey- they are still family. So the family buries them with dignity, some folks whisper about the bid he did or the time he was arrested or the allegations of jack-assery, and move on. But you love them anyway, because they are family. Michael was part of the Black family. He was an extraordinary artist and it is because of that people all over the world loved him but Black people love him and claim him as our own even though at times he did not claim us.

I have to admit that I haven’t been an ‘active’ fan of his persona for many years. The media reports of his personal life really depicted the life of a tortured soul. I always remained a fan of his music and tried to remember him with his jheri curl, dark skin and wide nose that he seemed to hate, but we all loved so much. The scary looking face that had become his, to me was not the real Michael Jackson.

As I go through my day, I am hoping that the folks that I work with that feel entitled to vocally criticize President Obama in the office don’t feel equally as entitled to vocally disrespect Michael Jackson’s memory the day after his death. I’m fully aware of the allegations of bad acts on his part, but like our other cousin OJ Simpson and his deceased ex wife, I’m also aware that he was never convicted of a crime.

Farrah Fawcett also died yesterday and I was saddened by her death as well. It wasn’t the same sadness that I felt about Michael Jackson’s death, but sadness none the less. Farrah Fawcett represented a carefree time in my life when television was fun and benign. Farrah was also a role model for developing a brand for oneself and making her dreams come true on her terms and showing the world that she was a great actress and not just a “pretty face”. Just like Michael Jackson, her face and behavior became progressively unattractive over time, but again I chose to remain a fan of her acting and remember her pre-botox and plastic surgeries.

Prior to her death she released a documentary memorializing her struggle with cancer and her fight for her life. The film showed her at her weakest and most unattractive state. What was remarkable about the documentary is that she wanted to bring attention to the type of cancer that she had-

anal cancer. What is sad is that the media down played the anal cancer spin and didn’t give it the attention that it should have received because anal cancer is a personal, embarrassing topic. I’m not sure why it’s so embarrassing since we all have anuses.

What folks need to know is that the risk factors for anal cancer include having human papillomavirus (HPV), having many sexual partners, and having receptive anal intercourse (anal sex). You have to admire a person that would say to the world “I have anal cancer”.
So the world is less two significant souls today. I hope their souls rest in peace because they have earned it.